Babies are time-bombs. They go off when you’re least prepared and most vulnerable.
The first time I became aware that parenting was not like it is in the movies was the day Missy was born. It’s a messy and painful time, lots of huffing and puffing, screaming and stomping. It’s a day of endurance and fortitude, and it ends in exhaustion with the indescribable joy of a brand new persons birth.
My wife tells me, it was hard for her as well…
But back to time-bombs. There are a few occasions that certainly stand out for me as defining moments as a parent. My daughter is quite the extreme sports loving kind. She loves to be held upside down and flung about.
As a father, I love this. Men enjoy mucking about with their children, roughhousing and carrying on, so when Missy was still quite young, I discovered that lying on the floor and holding her above me, tilted so she was almost upside down, was loads of fun for both of us. Missy would laugh and giggle and thoroughly reveled in the upside down world around her: till one fateful day.
I was at home in charge as my wife was out, when I decided my recently fueled up daughter could use a bit of upside down time with daddy. I can already hear a collective yell. The men are saying; “Yeh buddy! Go for it.” The women are yelling; “No! Don’t you know that…”
“That” it turns out, is a little known fact: babies full of milk, if inverted, will empty out said milk. I am on the floor, baby in my hands when I tip her up, of course, being a dad, I am trying to make her laugh, so I have my mouth wide open, in the happy clown position.
Missy then vomits; straight into my open mouth; so directly and accurately, there was barely a drop on the floor. The dilemma now confronting me was to balance my desperate search for somewhere to deposit this present, whilst not dropping my now shrieking with delight child.
Babies are time-bombs.
Swimming pools are another area fraught with danger, especially when children are particularly young. I had a nasty experience at a friends apartment when our water loving cherub was in the pool, I had put her swim nappy on as instructed – sort of – I mean seriously, what could possibly go wrong with a slightly askew swim nappy. There is no coming back when the chunky cloud appears around you. A pool full of poo can permanently damage strong friendships.
Nappy change time is also an event to fear. You see my daughter has this ability to projectile poo. I’m not talking about your average dirty nappy, with a bit of leakage out the sides; I’m talking about a stream of toxic waste shooting out several feet – curiously timed for the very moment the nappy is off, and her bottom is free from constraints.
Babies are time-bombs – beware.